120. Cosmic Cuisine (8 Apr 09)

“What’s for tea?” said Mr Black Hole to Mrs Black Hole.
“Neutron stars, planetoids and space dust,” said Mrs Black Hole.
“Ooh lovely!” said Mr Black Hole, as he changed into a smarter event horizon, in preparation for the sumptuous banquet the delectable Mrs Black Hole had prepared for them.

119. Facebook and the Merging of Souls (19 Nov 08)

When one makes "friends" with someone on Facebook, it is as if the two "friendees" are androids who directly plug into one another's consciousnesses, read a summation of the pertinent facts thereto and proceed from this initial analysis with the development of a relationship appropriate to such… or something! ;)

118. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt10 (18 Nov 08)

And so, with an air of inevitability, Frank the Stick Insect and Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe, went their separate ways.
"Fancy a game of Yahtzee?" said Yakamura to a passing duck.

117. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt9 (18 Nov 08)

Yakamura snatched the Happyhat off Frank's bonce.
"I give up on you," said Yakamura. "You're beyond hope."
"And you're an idiot," said Frank.
"Stop calling me an idiot!" said Yakamura.
"Why?" said Frank.
"Because I'm not an idiot!" said Yakamura. "I am a wise old sage!"
"Ye Gods," said Frank.

116. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt8 (18 Nov 08)

"I love tennis rackets!" said Frank.
Yakamura smiled smugly. "Go on…" he said.
"Tennis rackets are beautiful!" said Frank. "In fact…"
"Yes?" said Yakamura, whose smugness had reached astronomical proportions.
"They are the most beautiful objects in the world!" said Frank.
"Hurrah!" said Yakamura – smugness personified!
"Only joking…" said Frank.

115. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt7 (18 Nov 08)

"Well?" said Yakamura (the part-time samurai).
"Well what?" said Frank.
"What are you thinking about?" said Yakamura.
"Tennis rackets," said Frank.
"And?" said Yakamura.
"And what?" said Frank.
"And," said Yakamura, "what is your opinion of tennis rackets?"
"Well…" started Frank; "umm…"
Then Frank had a bit of an epiphany!

114. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt6 (18 Nov 08)

Frank the Stick Insect, with a great deal of reluctance, adorned his bonce with the item known as the "Happyhat."
Yakamura smiled.
"It suits you!" opined Yakamura.
"If you say so," said Frank.
"Think about something," said Yakamura.
"Like what?" said Frank.
"Anything!" said Yakamura.
Frank thought about tennis rackets.

113. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt5 (18 Nov 08)

"A hat?" said Frank to Yakamura. "What would I want with a hat?"
"It's not just any old hat," said Yakamura. "It's a Happyhat!"
"Oh good grief…" uttered Frank, his despair increasing.
"Put it on…" said Yakamura.
"No thanks…" said Frank.
"Put it on!" said Yakamura, more forcefully than previously.

112. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt4 (18 Nov 08)

Yakamura slowly withdrew an object from within his voluminous robes.
"I'm not hungry, thanks," said Frank.
Yakamura replaced the beef'n'cabbage sandwich within his voluminous robes and withdrew (slowly) another object.
"I already have the latest 2000AD," said Frank.
Yakamura replaced the comic within his voluminous robes and withdrew another object…

111. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

Yakamura sat beneath the cherry blossom tree.
"No thing is nothing, and yet nothing is all around," said Yakamura.
"Idiot," said Frank, who continued on his way.
"Wait!" said Yakamura.
"What?" said Frank.
"I have something for you," said Yakamura.
"It had better not be dice," said Frank.
It wasn't.

110. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

Yakamura, whose "Mysterious Japanese Sage" look was proving to be somewhat elusive, on account of the fact that he was, in fact, "non-human," turned away from Frank and raised his thoughts to a higher plane.
"What are you doing?" said Frank, as he ceased passing by and looked at Yakamura.

109. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

Yakamura (who was a samurai by "trade") sat beneath a cherry blossom tree, perfecting his "Mysterious Japanese Sage" look, as he attempted to consider the ways in which he could "rekindle the joy" in Frank (his "friend," the stick insect).
"What are you doing?" said Frank, as he passed by.

108. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

"You, my friend," declared Yakamura, "are no fun anymore!"
"Glad you've seen sense," said Frank, who would be happy indeed to no longer have to endure countless Yahtzee tournaments and being forced to feign interest at Yakamura's philosophical babblings.
("Hmm," wondered Yakamura; "how can I rekindle Frank's sense of joy?")

107. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

"Why not?" said Yakamura.
"Why not what?" said Frank.
"Why not play Yahtzee?" said Yakamura.
"Yahtzee is a game for fools," said Frank.
"Then we shall proudly declare ourselves to be fools!" said Yakamura.
"Whatever," said Frank. "I'm still not playing Yahtzee."
"Spoilsport!" said Yakamura.
"Oh bugger off," said Frank.

106. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

"Ho hum," said Frank the Stick Insect, as he lolled on a stick trying to look invisible.
"Ah-ha!" said Yakamura (a samurai), "there you are!"
"Oh carpetcheese…" uttered Frank, peeved at his inability to render himself invisible unto his annoying "friend," Yakamura.
"Let's play Yahtzee!" said Yakamura.
"No," said Frank.

105. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt4 (18 Nov 08)

"The idiot!" said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"Sorry, I was distracted there for a minute by utter, inconsolable boredom," said Frank the Stick Insect. "What did you say?"
"Hmmmpph!" said Yakamura.

104. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

"Don't you want to know why words are like small globules of slightly congealed slugslime?" said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"No!" said Frank the Stick Insect.
"Then you, my friend, are-"

103. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

"You're an idiot!" said Frank the Stick Insect to Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"Well at least I'm not a stick insect," said Yakamura Candleburger.
"Rather a stick insect than an idiot!"

102. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

"Words," said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe, "are like small globules of slightly congealed slugslime."
"Jeez," said Frank the Stick Insect, who had had quite enough of Yakamura Candleburger.
"What?" said Yakamura.

101. Jammie Dodgers (17 Nov 08)

What are they dodging?
And why are they "jammie"?
And furthermore, why is "jammie" spelt with an "ie" and not a "y"?
Time to spellcheck!

Tiz true, "jammie" is, in fact, not a real word.
"Jammy," however, means…
"covered in or filled with jam"

But what are they dodging?! :

100. Perplexed by Japan (17 Nov 08)

I've read some of their books, played some of their games…
…and I continue to be perplexed by Japan!
A "childlike" culture?
"Childlike" = lesser?
No!
Koji Suzuki's "Ring"… "Spiral"… "Loop"…
Big ideas, oddly conveyed…
(fiction within fiction)
Metaphorically disjointed…
Symbolically peculiar…
Translation issues?
Cultural confusion?
I continue to delve!

99. Games… games… games… (17 Nov 08)

They sit on my shelf.
They largely remain unplayed, except (mainly) for one…
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3
- a weird (but oddly addictive) Japanese RPG.
The rolling demo distracts my baby daughter while I'm changing her…
Sometimes she lolls on my lap, caressing the controller…
That's my girl! :)

98. Happydad! (17 Nov 08)

I've not written a 50-worder since becoming a dad.
So here is my first.
What shall I write about?
The changing of nappies?
The never sleeping more than 5 hours at a stretch? (usually no more than 3!)
Or the indescribable beauty of my daughter Talise's smile?
The latter! :)

97. Gumption (18 Jun 08)

Have some "common sense"!
Have some "courage to act"!
But hang on…
Are these not quite different things?
Related perhaps, but one certainly does not imply the other.
So what, in essence, is "gumption"?
Have some "guts"!
Have some "spunk"!
Have some "boldness of enterprise" or "initiative" or "aggressiveness"!
Hmm...

96. The Hue of Sauce (18 Jun 08)

Imagine… if ketchup was green… if mint sauce was red… if mayonnaise was blue… how confusing it would be!
Or…
Would it?
How quickly would we acclimatise to sauces of unexpected hues? To the point where they were not unexpected? To the point where they were… in fact… expected?
Hmm…

95. Banana… Hippopotamus… Squid (18 Jun 08)

Have you eaten the last banana?

No, but I did put the sugar in the tea.

I love how you put the sugar in the tea.

Thanks – I got it from my Uncle Hobart.

The Hippopotamus?

No, the giant squid.

Dammit! I always confuse the two!

Don't worry, everyone does.

94. "Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch" (13 Jun 08)

Okay, more a proverb than a superstition. However...

Of course you're not going to count your chickens before they hatch! Because before they hatch, they're not chickens! They're eggs! Of course, if it was…

Don't count your eggs before they hatch

…that would make a lot more sense.

Wouldn't it…?

93. A "Lucky" Rabbit's Foot (13 Jun 08)

Picture the scene… cute little Flopsy Mopsy bouncing through the field, frolicking with his fluffy, floppy-eared pals. Then along comes some superstitious human fool, with a big knife or sommat and, without so much as a by-your-leave, lops poor little Flopsy Mopsy's foot off! For good luck, apparently… the cheek!

92. Walking Under Ladders (13 Jun 08)

I don't spit at magpies, worry about the number 13, carry a rabbit's foot around with me (which was, for sure, not so lucky for the rabbit) or any of that palaver, but I will always do my best to avoid walking under ladders.

Because falling tins of paint hurt!

91. Pointless Pets (13 Jun 08)

A barnacle. Some plankton. A piece of cheese. A slug. An oyster. String. Tapeworms. A paramecium. A fossil. A turnip. An origami cat. An invisible snake. Bed bugs. A supreme being. A Trojan horse. A hot dog. A rubber chicken. Slime mould (all varieties). An artificial life simulation. Some grass.