"that's an odd courgette"

120. Cosmic Cuisine (8 Apr 09)

2009-04-08T11:24:00.000Z

“What’s for tea?” said Mr Black Hole to Mrs Black Hole.
“Neutron stars, planetoids and space dust,” said Mrs Black Hole.
“Ooh lovely!” said Mr Black Hole, as he changed into a smarter event horizon, in preparation for the sumptuous banquet the delectable Mrs Black Hole had prepared for them.

119. Facebook and the Merging of Souls (19 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:40:00.000Z

When one makes "friends" with someone on Facebook, it is as if the two "friendees" are androids who directly plug into one another's consciousnesses, read a summation of the pertinent facts thereto and proceed from this initial analysis with the development of a relationship appropriate to such… or something! ;)

118. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt10 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:39:00.001Z

And so, with an air of inevitability, Frank the Stick Insect and Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe, went their separate ways.
"Fancy a game of Yahtzee?" said Yakamura to a passing duck.

117. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt9 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:38:00.002Z

Yakamura snatched the Happyhat off Frank's bonce.
"I give up on you," said Yakamura. "You're beyond hope."
"And you're an idiot," said Frank.
"Stop calling me an idiot!" said Yakamura.
"Why?" said Frank.
"Because I'm not an idiot!" said Yakamura. "I am a wise old sage!"
"Ye Gods," said Frank.

116. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt8 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:38:00.001Z

"I love tennis rackets!" said Frank.
Yakamura smiled smugly. "Go on…" he said.
"Tennis rackets are beautiful!" said Frank. "In fact…"
"Yes?" said Yakamura, whose smugness had reached astronomical proportions.
"They are the most beautiful objects in the world!" said Frank.
"Hurrah!" said Yakamura – smugness personified!
"Only joking…" said Frank.

115. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt7 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:37:00.001Z

"Well?" said Yakamura (the part-time samurai).
"Well what?" said Frank.
"What are you thinking about?" said Yakamura.
"Tennis rackets," said Frank.
"And?" said Yakamura.
"And what?" said Frank.
"And," said Yakamura, "what is your opinion of tennis rackets?"
"Well…" started Frank; "umm…"
Then Frank had a bit of an epiphany!

114. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt6 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:36:00.002Z

Frank the Stick Insect, with a great deal of reluctance, adorned his bonce with the item known as the "Happyhat."
Yakamura smiled.
"It suits you!" opined Yakamura.
"If you say so," said Frank.
"Think about something," said Yakamura.
"Like what?" said Frank.
"Anything!" said Yakamura.
Frank thought about tennis rackets.

113. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt5 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:36:00.001Z

"A hat?" said Frank to Yakamura. "What would I want with a hat?"
"It's not just any old hat," said Yakamura. "It's a Happyhat!"
"Oh good grief…" uttered Frank, his despair increasing.
"Put it on…" said Yakamura.
"No thanks…" said Frank.
"Put it on!" said Yakamura, more forcefully than previously.

112. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt4 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:35:00.002Z

Yakamura slowly withdrew an object from within his voluminous robes.
"I'm not hungry, thanks," said Frank.
Yakamura replaced the beef'n'cabbage sandwich within his voluminous robes and withdrew (slowly) another object.
"I already have the latest 2000AD," said Frank.
Yakamura replaced the comic within his voluminous robes and withdrew another object…

111. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:35:00.001Z

Yakamura sat beneath the cherry blossom tree.
"No thing is nothing, and yet nothing is all around," said Yakamura.
"Idiot," said Frank, who continued on his way.
"Wait!" said Yakamura.
"What?" said Frank.
"I have something for you," said Yakamura.
"It had better not be dice," said Frank.
It wasn't.

110. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:34:00.001Z

Yakamura, whose "Mysterious Japanese Sage" look was proving to be somewhat elusive, on account of the fact that he was, in fact, "non-human," turned away from Frank and raised his thoughts to a higher plane.
"What are you doing?" said Frank, as he ceased passing by and looked at Yakamura.

109. Further Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-19T12:33:00.000Z

Yakamura (who was a samurai by "trade") sat beneath a cherry blossom tree, perfecting his "Mysterious Japanese Sage" look, as he attempted to consider the ways in which he could "rekindle the joy" in Frank (his "friend," the stick insect).
"What are you doing?" said Frank, as he passed by.

108. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:56:00.001Z

"You, my friend," declared Yakamura, "are no fun anymore!"
"Glad you've seen sense," said Frank, who would be happy indeed to no longer have to endure countless Yahtzee tournaments and being forced to feign interest at Yakamura's philosophical babblings.
("Hmm," wondered Yakamura; "how can I rekindle Frank's sense of joy?")

107. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:55:00.003Z

"Why not?" said Yakamura.
"Why not what?" said Frank.
"Why not play Yahtzee?" said Yakamura.
"Yahtzee is a game for fools," said Frank.
"Then we shall proudly declare ourselves to be fools!" said Yakamura.
"Whatever," said Frank. "I'm still not playing Yahtzee."
"Spoilsport!" said Yakamura.
"Oh bugger off," said Frank.

106. The Continuing Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:55:00.001Z

"Ho hum," said Frank the Stick Insect, as he lolled on a stick trying to look invisible.
"Ah-ha!" said Yakamura (a samurai), "there you are!"
"Oh carpetcheese…" uttered Frank, peeved at his inability to render himself invisible unto his annoying "friend," Yakamura.
"Let's play Yahtzee!" said Yakamura.
"No," said Frank.

105. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt4 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:54:00.001Z

"The idiot!" said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"Sorry, I was distracted there for a minute by utter, inconsolable boredom," said Frank the Stick Insect. "What did you say?"
"Hmmmpph!" said Yakamura.

104. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt3 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:53:00.002Z

"Don't you want to know why words are like small globules of slightly congealed slugslime?" said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"No!" said Frank the Stick Insect.
"Then you, my friend, are-"

103. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt2 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:53:00.001Z

"You're an idiot!" said Frank the Stick Insect to Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe.
"Well at least I'm not a stick insect," said Yakamura Candleburger.
"Rather a stick insect than an idiot!"

102. The Adventures of Frank & Yakamura pt1 (18 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:52:00.000Z

"Words," said Yakamura Candleburger, Grand High Samurai of the Intergalactic Conglomeration of Non-Human Entities Who Feel Like There are Never Enough Hats in the Universe, "are like small globules of slightly congealed slugslime."
"Jeez," said Frank the Stick Insect, who had had quite enough of Yakamura Candleburger.
"What?" said Yakamura.

101. Jammie Dodgers (17 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:51:00.002Z

What are they dodging?
And why are they "jammie"?
And furthermore, why is "jammie" spelt with an "ie" and not a "y"?
Time to spellcheck!

Tiz true, "jammie" is, in fact, not a real word.
"Jammy," however, means…
"covered in or filled with jam"

But what are they dodging?! :

100. Perplexed by Japan (17 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:51:00.001Z

I've read some of their books, played some of their games…
…and I continue to be perplexed by Japan!
A "childlike" culture?
"Childlike" = lesser?
No!
Koji Suzuki's "Ring"… "Spiral"… "Loop"…
Big ideas, oddly conveyed…
(fiction within fiction)
Metaphorically disjointed…
Symbolically peculiar…
Translation issues?
Cultural confusion?
I continue to delve!

99. Games… games… games… (17 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:50:00.001Z

They sit on my shelf.
They largely remain unplayed, except (mainly) for one…
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3
- a weird (but oddly addictive) Japanese RPG.
The rolling demo distracts my baby daughter while I'm changing her…
Sometimes she lolls on my lap, caressing the controller…
That's my girl! :)

98. Happydad! (17 Nov 08)

2008-11-18T12:47:00.002Z

I've not written a 50-worder since becoming a dad.
So here is my first.
What shall I write about?
The changing of nappies?
The never sleeping more than 5 hours at a stretch? (usually no more than 3!)
Or the indescribable beauty of my daughter Talise's smile?
The latter! :)

97. Gumption (18 Jun 08)

2008-06-18T18:55:00.001Z

Have some "common sense"!
Have some "courage to act"!
But hang on…
Are these not quite different things?
Related perhaps, but one certainly does not imply the other.
So what, in essence, is "gumption"?
Have some "guts"!
Have some "spunk"!
Have some "boldness of enterprise" or "initiative" or "aggressiveness"!
Hmm...

96. The Hue of Sauce (18 Jun 08)

2008-06-18T18:54:00.001Z

Imagine… if ketchup was green… if mint sauce was red… if mayonnaise was blue… how confusing it would be!
Or…
Would it?
How quickly would we acclimatise to sauces of unexpected hues? To the point where they were not unexpected? To the point where they were… in fact… expected?
Hmm…

95. Banana… Hippopotamus… Squid (18 Jun 08)

2008-06-18T18:46:00.002Z

Have you eaten the last banana?

No, but I did put the sugar in the tea.

I love how you put the sugar in the tea.

Thanks – I got it from my Uncle Hobart.

The Hippopotamus?

No, the giant squid.

Dammit! I always confuse the two!

Don't worry, everyone does.

94. "Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch" (13 Jun 08)

2008-06-13T20:07:00.003Z

Okay, more a proverb than a superstition. However...

Of course you're not going to count your chickens before they hatch! Because before they hatch, they're not chickens! They're eggs! Of course, if it was…

Don't count your eggs before they hatch

…that would make a lot more sense.

Wouldn't it…?

93. A "Lucky" Rabbit's Foot (13 Jun 08)

2008-06-13T20:07:00.002Z

Picture the scene… cute little Flopsy Mopsy bouncing through the field, frolicking with his fluffy, floppy-eared pals. Then along comes some superstitious human fool, with a big knife or sommat and, without so much as a by-your-leave, lops poor little Flopsy Mopsy's foot off! For good luck, apparently… the cheek!

92. Walking Under Ladders (13 Jun 08)

2008-06-13T20:06:00.002Z

I don't spit at magpies, worry about the number 13, carry a rabbit's foot around with me (which was, for sure, not so lucky for the rabbit) or any of that palaver, but I will always do my best to avoid walking under ladders.

Because falling tins of paint hurt!

91. Pointless Pets (13 Jun 08)

2008-06-13T20:05:00.000Z

A barnacle. Some plankton. A piece of cheese. A slug. An oyster. String. Tapeworms. A paramecium. A fossil. A turnip. An origami cat. An invisible snake. Bed bugs. A supreme being. A Trojan horse. A hot dog. A rubber chicken. Slime mould (all varieties). An artificial life simulation. Some grass.

90. Avian Fortune…? (13 Jun 08)

2008-06-13T20:04:00.000Z

As it is Friday the 13th, I thought it might be appropriate to examine some popular superstitions. For example...

It is lucky to be poo'd on by a bird

Is it? Or do "they" just say that to make you feel better about being the recipient of an avian defecation?

89. Inane Dialogue #008 … romance (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:59:00.001Z

"Your eyes sparkle," said Tom, "like…"
"A toiletful of wee under a neon striplight?" suggested Sally.
"Yes!" said Tom.
"Get out of my house and never return!" suggested Sally.
"But I only agreed with your suggestion!" said Tom.
"I suggest you put your finger in a live socket!" suggested Sally.

88. Inane Dialogue #007 … paperclips (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:58:00.002Z

"Paperclips are evil," said paperclip#1 to paperclip#2.
"But you are a paperclip," said paperclip#2.
"Bugger me! You’re right, there!" said paperclip#1.
"I know," said paperclip#2.
"But you know what’s really weird?" said paperclip#1.
"What?" said paperclip#2 (who didn’t really care).
"So are you!" said paperclip#1.
"Oh shut up," said paperclip#2.

87. Inane Dialogue #006 … sausage (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:58:00.001Z

"Don’t be such a dullard," said the gorilla to the sausage.
"That’s a sausage," said the cobra. "It doesn’t understand a word you’re saying."
"But you," said the gorilla, "are a soft, fleshy snake" – and he picked up the cobra and smashed it against a rock.
"Ouch!" said the cobra.

86. Inane Dialogue #005 … gerbil (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:57:00.003Z

"Mind my gerbil!" said Horace (he of the enormous left elbow).
"Why?" said Jiminy Cricket’s niece.
"Because… erm…" said Horace, stumbling for a reason why Jiminy Cricket’s niece should mind his gerbil.
"Mind my elephant!" said Jiminy Cricket’s niece.
"Why?" said Horace.
"Because it’s really big!" said Jiminy Cricket’s niece.

85. Inane Dialogue #004 … cheese (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:57:00.001Z

"Please may I have some of your," said Trevor the Viking, "cheese?"
"Why," said Harold the Egyptian Prince, "do you come round here requisitioning my cheese?"
"I am not requisitioning it," said Trevor; "merely requesting a portion."
"A portion of," said Harold, "cheese?"
Trevor concurred.
"Here y’are then," said Harold.

84. Inane Dialogue #003 … chalk (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:56:00.003Z

"Happiness," said Pamela Von Carpetcheese, "is a small piece of chalk."
"How’s that then?" said Bob.
"It’s small, it’s crumbly, it comes in a variety of colours and you can write on a blackboard with it," said Pam.
"That makes no sense," said Bob.
"True enough!" conceded Pamela Von Carpetcheese.

83. Inane Dialogue #002 … tea (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:56:00.001Z

"Eeh! I could murder a cup of tea!" said Simon O’Malley to Vlad the Prince of Darkness.
"Murder?" said Vlad. "What in Transylvania and the Hidden Yet All-Pervasive Kingdoms of the Demons of the Underworld do you mean?"
"Never mind," said Simon, who had decided he didn’t really like tea.

82. Inane Dialogue #001 … bored (30 May 08)

2008-06-02T18:55:00.001Z

"I’m bored," said Fred. "Has anyone got a turnip?"
"Eh?" said Flavius Maximus, who was (evidently) troubled by the potential nature of the alleviation of Fred’s boredom by the means of a white rounded fleshy root vegetable.
"Never mind," said Fred, who had already started to think about something else.

81. Happiness in Stationery (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:41:00.001Z

On my desk at work, on the right-hand edge of an in-tray, are attached eight bulldog clips. They are spaced reasonably evenly (although not perfectly – I am not obsessive). The sight of them pleases me.

This is not related to the Nine Inch Nails song, Happiness in Slavery.

Then again…

80. Stench (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:40:00.003Z

I’m a non-smoker. I hate the smell of the stuff. I can’t stand its acrid, lingering stench in restaurants, pubs, etc. Thank God for the ban! England is now a cleaner, fresher place.

Except…

The rows of smoking bins with stubby-out bits in Birmingham City Centre are like signalling towers!

79. Codpiece Fishpaste (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:40:00.001Z

Codpiece fishpaste
Sounds rather unpleasant,
Does it not?
But it needn’t,
If you think about it.
If you break down the words…
Cod… piece… fish… paste…
…it is the paste of a fish made from a piece of cod,
Which,
If you think about it,
Could
(perhaps)
Be quite tasty!

78. A Dozen 50-Worders! (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:39:00.001Z

In one day! So far! Including this one!
I may or I may not write more, but at the time of writing this, I am indeed at my dozenth… ‘dozenth’? Is that a word? Hang on, I’ll spellcheck…
Apparently not!
Neither, for that matter, is ‘spellcheck’!
Making up words!
Hurrah!

77. Drinking Tea out of a Scooby Doo Mug (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:37:00.005Z

Tea, whilst containing caffeine, is a calm, relaxing drink, which is good for winding down at the end of a busy and perhaps stressful day. You know, working or mowing the lawn or something. Scooby Doo, however, is a bit bonkers - the pic on my mug confirms this. The irony!

76. Hadrian’s Wall (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:37:00.004Z

Built by the Roman Emperor Hadrian, Hadrian’s Wall is a wall (or it was) which stretches (or did) across the English countryside, from east to west (or, if you like, from west to east), somewhere up north. It was built to keep out the barbarian hordes. Or something. Pretty impressive.

75. Eighties Charity Record (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:36:00.001Z

We are, as some popstars once said, the world.
But are we really?
I mean, I’m not. Not literally.
But we, as a collective, the entire human race…
Are we the world?
I suppose, in a sense, we are.
But then again…
When all’s said and done…
We’re not really.

74. The Auditors (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:35:00.000Z

They come into your office. They audit. But what do they really do?

They sit at your desks, take up your time, they ask for documents, fiddle with their spreadsheets…

They brandish their laptops like Shields of Truth.

Or something.

But what do they really do?

Buggered if I know!

73. Still Spring Water (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:34:00.002Z

George the scientifically-inclined schoolboy examined the small plastic bottle, in which was ostensibly contained half a litre of the cool, colourless liquid known as ‘water.’ He unscrewed the lid and tentatively took a sip. He swilled it round his gob and swallowed.

"Yep," he declared proudly; "it’s still spring water!"

72. Max Payne Cheers Up (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:34:00.001Z

"I don’t think it helps," said Max Payne’s therapist, "that you are stuck with a surname like ‘Payne.’"
"Do you think?" said Max Payne, as he frowned and pondered over the dark pit of gloom and death and loneliness that was his life.
He changed his name to Max Buttercup.

71. Lara Croft Suddenly Doesn’t Feel Like Raiding Tombs Anymore (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:33:00.001Z

"And where do you think you are going, dressed like that?" said Lara’s mum.
"I’m off to a series of exotic locations to seek treasure and arcane knowledge which has been hidden for centuries from the eyes of mere humans!"
"Like heck you are," said Lara’s mum.
Lara sat down.

70. Sonic the Hedgehog is Brought Painfully Down to Earth by His Mum (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:32:00.000Z

"Stop spinning!" said Sonic’s mum. "You’re making me dizzy."
"But I have to spin!" said Sonic. "It is my destiny!"
"Destiny my prickly arse," said Sonic’s mum. "Next you’ll be telling me you were put on this Earth to fight evil wherever it rears its ugly bonce."
"Erm…" said Sonic.

69. Cheddarina (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:31:00.002Z

"What’s your name?" said the boy to the girl, who he bumped into whilst walking across the field of buttercups.
"Cheddarina," said the girl, with a sweetly shy smile.
"That’s a funny name," said the boy.
"Oh put a sock in it," said Cheddarina, who skipped off across the field.

68. What’s the point of writing 50-worders? (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:31:00.001Z

Focus!
Precision!
No superfluity!
Learning new words like "superfluity"!
And it’s always nice if the piece has a nice shape.
Like the gentle swell of the side of a hill, for example.

Or maybe just
A simple block
Of words like
This one here.

But above all else…
It’s fun!

67. Kingdom (16 May 08)

2008-05-17T06:30:00.001Z

The things people do in His name…
…this man of peace, forgiveness, tolerance…
……the things people have done.
The things people have done in His name…
…war, Inquisition, murder, rape…
……the things people do.

In the name of the Almighty!
In the name of Jesus Christ!
Forever and ever.

amen

66. Define (8 May 08)

2008-05-09T05:58:00.001Z

Who are you?
I am a plumber.
But who are you?
I am Dave the plumber.
But who are you?
What do you mean?
Beneath Dave… beneath the plumber… who are you?
I am a husband and a father of three.
But who… beneath everything… are you?
I don't understand.

65. Freedom! (8 May 08)

2008-05-09T05:57:00.002Z

Imagine…
Being free of all things…
Everything…
Losing all of your attachments…
Could you be satisfied, fulfilled?
With nothing?
With truly no-thing?
No clothes…
……no money…
………no property…
…………no games console…
……………no TV…
…….………no phone…
…………………no connection to the World Wide Web…
No connection…
…to anything.
Could you be happy?

64. Blank Post-Its (8 May 08)

2008-05-09T05:57:00.001Z

Would you just rip them off whatever they are stuck to?
Crumple them up and throw them away?
Or would they make you think?
Stop… consider… reflect…
Would you think about their inherent potential, the words that could exist thereon?
Would you write on them? Would you fear their emptiness?

63. Zeroes/Ones (9 Apr 08)

2008-04-09T17:59:00.001Z

The noise! The clamour! Chaos!

Peace……

Crowds of interesting, vibrant, good-humoured people!

A bubble of calm……

The external! The "out there"! The buzz! The connection!

Within……

A fusion of senses! Touching, hearing, seeing!

The empty silence of the soul……

All things! Potential! Multitudinous experience!

Drifting…

Mindless…

Calm…

Through endless space……

62. “Tomorrow Never Comes” (3 Mar 08)

2008-03-03T19:38:00.003Z

Not true. It does. Only when tomorrow comes, it becomes today. That’s not to say, however, that what was tomorrow yesterday does not arrive today. It just arrives having undergone a process of conversion from "tomorrow" to "today." And tomorrow it will be "yesterday." And so on and so forth.

61. Farting in a Lift (16 Feb 08)

2008-02-16T08:14:00.000Z

Not a good idea.
Enclosed space. Quiet.
Impossible to hide the shame!
The burning… the silent accusing…
And upon exit…
The lingering guilt.
Whodunit…?
Youdunit!

Unless, of course…
You take pride in your emissions.
You delight in your gaseous expulsions.
In which case…
Fart, fart, fart, fart and fart again!

60. The New Adventures of Slanty-Hat! (28 Sep 07)

2007-09-28T08:13:00.000Z

He adjusted his rim, as he splashed through the puddles towards his destiny.
Timberlake, he thought, but without the…
Without anything that Justin Timberlake had.
“Except the hat!” he declared proudly (but with an unmistakable air of timidity).
But in truth he knew that even the hat wasn’t quite right.

59. Where's the Horse's Mouth? (24 Sep 07)

2007-09-24T21:15:00.000Z

"Speak to my solicitor."
"Speak to my accountant."
"Speak to my therapist."
"Speak to my doctor."
"Speak to my landlord."
"Speak to my estate agent."
"Speak to my wife/husband."
"Speak to my agent."
"Speak to the hand."
"Speak to my secretary."
"Speak to the alien in my brain."

Neigh!

58. Sofa (22 Aug 07)

2007-08-22T17:17:00.000Z

This humble, restful landscape of crumbs, hairs and forgotten coins.
Upon it I have parked my gluteus maximus,
Swam in oceans of words,
Subjected myself to barrages of televisual trash…
But delightful trash!
Will & Grace, Friends,
The works of Nesbitt.
And all to the accompaniment of delightful, soothing tea.

57. The Lion and the Scarecrow (31 Jul 07)

2007-07-31T19:09:00.000Z

‘I’m so confused!’ said the Lion. ‘I don’t know what to do!’
‘Or,’ said the Scarecrow, ‘you do know what to do, but you lack the courage to do it…?’
‘You could be right…’ said the Lion.
‘Don’t mistake weakness for confusion!’ said the Scarecrow.
The Lion ate the Scarecrow.

56. Spam Scanners (17 July 2007)

2007-07-17T21:22:00.000Z

Scanners of Spam.
Is it too pink?
Too dry?
Too moist?
Is the prevalence of pork too high?
Or too low?
Is it too salty?
Too sweet?
Or are there hidden messages?
A codex?
Instructions from an alien race?
...Buy our all new brand of Venusian Viagra!...
Scanners of Spam.

55. Meta.Meta.. Meta… Meta….Meta…..Meta ……Meta …….Meta……..Meta ……... ---aka--- Everything Will Eat Itself (17 July 2007)

2007-07-17T21:21:00.000Z

Who can we trust?
Who's making money off our fears?
Comments upon comments upon comments.
The international, infinitely intricate game of Chinese Whispers.
Are we heating up or cooling down?
Should we recycle, reuse or blast all our rubbish into space?
We are the world.
We are nothing but animals.

54. Le Nouveau Dunker (17 July 2007)

2007-07-17T21:20:00.001Z

Biscuits , I once thought, are meant to be crunchy! Why make them soggy, make every biscuit taste of tea and risk the breaking, the sinking, the formation of that undesirable slop at the bottom of the cup?

But my eyes have been opened!

And I hereby proudly declare!

I dunk!

53. First Impressions (14 July 2007)

2007-07-14T08:23:00.001Z

Scurrying to avoid the raindrops… crouching… frowning
(does frowning make you waterproof?)

Shaving…
…shopping…
…choosing outfits…
………doing your hair…
…………ironing…
……………tying ties…
………………moisturising…
…………………exfoliating…
……………………putting on the slap…
………………………getting a fake tan…

The dieting
The gym
The plastic surgery
The magazines
The comparisons
The makeovers

What if everybody was blind?

52. Wick (2 July 2007)

2007-07-02T18:22:00.000Z

Waxy build-up in left ear.
Candle potential?
Doubtful.
Partial deafness?
Yes!
Right ear takes brunt of noise.
Schoolchildren. Roadworks.
"Sounds of the Office"
(holepunching – stapling – photocopying)
Gaaaaagghhh!!
Let me hide!
Stick a twig in it?
Release the waxy blighter?
No!
Resist!
Eardrops…
… drip drip drip…
… … cotton wool…
… … … time…Relief… :)

51. MeltedGratedToasted (19 June 2006)

2006-06-19T21:45:00.000Z

Who am I inside this head? Do I know me? Does anybody know me? Opinions assail, perceptions assault. Reasonableness is defined by a multitude of unreasonable precepts. Is there any order amongst the randomness but the illusion of order we create? I know that I like cheese... or do I?

50. Truth (16 June 2006)

2006-06-17T07:52:00.000Z

Books like the Gospels attempt to clarify what is felt to be the Truth. The Truth is complex and mysterious - beyond the scope of any single book or volume of books; but Humanity never stops trying to explain it. Do we need to be more content in our not knowing?

49. Sofia (15 June 2006)

2006-06-15T19:59:00.000Z

All of my adult life I’ve been afraid of the terminology and many of the concepts/tenets of Christianity. Words like "God," "Christ," "Salvation," have felt uncomfortable for me. I wouldn’t say I’m "reborn," but learning about Gnosticism’s more personal standpoint has changed me. God is the Self... Hallelujah! (etc)

48. Valis (14 June 2006)

2006-06-14T19:47:00.000Z

Monday I was reminded, by seeing a Philip K Dick book in someone’s hand, to read PKD’s Valis. And today I discovered that the Koontz book I am reading (Velocity) is all about an ‘artist’ called Valis. Strangeness! PKD’s book (so I’ve heard) is ‘about’ Gnosticism. Gnostics believe in Synchronicity...

47. Cherub (12 June 2006)

2006-06-12T16:34:00.000Z

And finally I am free from the Infuriatingly Singing Bus Child! The torturous repetition... The inanely adolescent ad lib... Violence is not a practice I condone towards the Little Ones, but surely a well-placed muzzle wouldn’t go amiss? Oh Lord, give me solace in the Holy Balm of Hedex...

46. Knee (9 June 2006)

2006-06-09T20:28:00.000Z

On the planet Patellion, the inhabitants are exactly the same as humans, except their faces are on their left knees. What a different perspective they have on life! They do, of course, only ever wear shorts (or trouser/short hybrids); and when they kiss, they look like Elvis Presley impersonators.

45. Hamster (8 June 2006)

2006-06-09T20:26:00.000Z

Lovely little fluffy hamster, running around its wheel, nibbling its sunflower seeds, making little shredded paper beds. What does it know of the world? Maybe everything. Maybe it’s a cute little alien spy. I think I will be more careful next time I decide to torment it with the cat.

44. Spaceshop (6 June 06)

2006-06-06T19:48:00.000Z

He stood on the gangplank, the pink bead curtain rustling behind him, awaiting his next customer. His first customer. His first ever customer. Thirty years it had been, on the advice of his friend, Fgorrt’b, to open this intragalactic gift shop for visiting Frond People. The Frond People never came.

43. Hangover (5 June 2006)

2006-06-05T10:57:00.000Z

The flag, the butterfly, the clock.
Snapshot.
Framed.
Filed.
Sitting - staring - feeling - mourning - loving - hysterically laughing.
Sexual aching.
The grand, monumental significance of strawberries!
(sated blissfully by a Strawberry Cornetto)
Don’t tell me your woes.
Don’t confront me with the unbland.
...drifting through hours...
...Paracetamol... water...
(...toast... more Cornettos!...)
...what?

42. Surface Tension (4 June 2006)

2006-06-05T10:55:00.000Z

A world hanging on the edge of extinction - blissfully unaware.
(teetering in ignorance)
Just a slight alteration of angle, and out it comes,
...an apocalyptic deluge,
.........flowing into the vast unknown.
A tiny, upturned shampoo bottle.
(tiny yet massive)
Deaths of countless millions, billions, trillions:
.........who would ever know?
(tilt)

41. 13-33 (3 June 2006)

2006-06-03T13:15:00.000Z

What I believed then...
School holidays go on forever.
20 is so old.
Christmas is so exciting!
I don’t like broccoli.
Girls are scary.

What I believe now...
School holidays go on forever.
20 is so young.
Christmas Day is boring.
Broccoli is very good for you.
Girls are scary.

40. Destiny (2 June 2006)

2006-06-02T13:40:00.000Z

Jonny got into a lot of trouble at school. He thought he was The One - capital ‘T,’ capital ‘O.’ Everything, as far as he was concerned, was unreal - just Code, in the Universal Program. And he was the Saviour of All Mankind. But try telling that to his teachers! Philistines...

39. Paruresis (31 May 2006)

2006-05-31T20:35:00.000Z

Timing was everything. He conducted a study, calculated probabilities and drew a graph. he waited in the proverbial wings and chose the optimum moment to make his move. He could almost hear the non-existent SAS commander:
"Go! Go! Go!"
He went.
But he couldn’t go.
He withdrew and re-scheduled.

38. The Gnostic Gospels (29 May 2006)

2006-05-29T17:17:00.000Z

Much of the Gnostic Gospels (as selected by Alan Jacobs) washed over me. They are mainly about Knowledge of the Self. There are many discourses on the nature of God, of Creation and the various realms of reality. But like the Buddhist Tao, they primarily attempt to describe the indescribable.

37. Don’t Mock the Trifle! (28 May 2006)

2006-05-28T09:46:00.000Z

We may be teetering on the edge of a gastronomic uprising.
We may be a hair’s breadth away from a culinary revolution.
There may be edible substances on the verge of taking over.
So listen to me very carefully when I say to you...
Whatever happens...
Don’t mock the trifle!

36. Teeter (27 May 2006)

2006-05-27T13:03:00.000Z

When standing on a cliff-edge, with an army of slavering, sharp-fanged beasts racing towards you, what is the best course of action? To leap headlong into the abyss and hope for a large winged creature to swoop by and carry you off to safety and a new life?

35. Traffic 1736-1741 25 May 2006 (26 May 2006)

2006-05-26T07:43:00.000Z

Green tops. Bare bright arms.
Open tops. The slow lane
Envies the fast lane. What
Are they thinking, while smoking?
- Hand dangling outside door; can’t
Pollute the inner sanctum! And
Stopped. Crawling. A chance to
Reach the space between seats;
To check change, fags... nothing.
Speed divulges freedom, one way.

34. Notice (25 May 2006)

2006-05-25T13:17:00.000Z

... is there such a thing as ‘found’ poetry? ...

TRACKSIDE SAFETY
Look and listen for
approaching trains
Get off the track as soon
as possible
Do not step on any rails
Check for tripping hazards,
bridges and steep drops
Do not touch any overhead
cables
Do not touch any lineside
equipment

33. MI:7 (22 May 2006)

2006-05-22T21:59:00.000Z

The mission went smoothly. He retrieved the data, rescued the hostage and was extracted in the nick of time, just before the building exploded.
‘Good work, sir,’ said the helicopter pilot.
‘Thanks... Now fly this baby home!’
On the way back to base, he choked on a peanut and died.

32. Box (21 May 2006)

2006-05-21T22:43:00.000Z

The phone rang.
‘Hello?’
‘Hang up and you’re dead.’
‘Who is this?’
‘It’s your mother; when are you going to come home and see me?’
‘I saw you last Tuesday.’
‘Don’t lie to me, Danny!’
The gun was cocked.
‘But my name’s Dennis.’
‘Oh sorry, wrong number.’
The line died.

31. Sore (20 May 2006)

2006-05-20T18:25:00.000Z

He was on the loo for three centuries. He lost track of time; you know how it is. He was thinking about Sudoku. Not a particular puzzle, just Sudoku in general.
"What is the ultimate existential goal in fitting all those numbers into a 9x9 grid?" he said.
He flushed.

30. Dreams (19 May 2006)

2006-05-19T12:43:00.000Z

"I want to be a supermodel," said the short, fat, balding man of 43.
"Go for it!" said the tall, blond-haired boy, with shapely lips and perfect aquiline nose.
"So what do you want to do?" said the man.
"I want to work in a garage," said the boy.

29. Sorry (18 May 06)

2006-05-18T07:54:00.000Z

"Sorry," he said, as the old lady ran her wheelchair over his toes, crushing the bones therein.
"Sorry," he said, as the builder dropped a bag of cement on his head, hospitalising him for a week.
"I’m so sorry," he said to the vicar who read him his last rites.

28. BBXII (17 May 06)

2006-05-17T07:45:00.000Z

Big Brother 12 has a new twist - an extra level of interest for the tiring audience. This time around, evictions will be more... permanent. Only no one will know until it’s too late. And you know what’s the real ratings winner? They get to choose their own method of execution!

27. Grumpiness (16 May 2006)

2006-05-16T08:21:00.000Z

You know what annoys me? Talk Talk offering free broadband forever. Forever! I mean, how in the name of Justin Timberlake’s Purple Cumberbund, can you offer something forever? Forever is a bloody long time. The sun will explode one day. Then what will happen to your broadband? Eh? Eh?!
Honestly...

26. Lost2 (15 May 2006)

2006-05-15T11:14:00.000Z

Global Conspiracy Theory. The Da Vinci Code. The Knights Templar. The Catholic Church. The Priory of Sion. Holy Blood Line. Holy Grail. Mary Magdalene. The Matrix. The Messiah. Jesus. John the Baptist. God.
(The above is 33 words - is it significant that this is the age at which Jesus died...?)

25. Lost? (14 May 2006)

2006-05-14T20:00:00.000Z

"Lost" never fails to intrigue. So many layers, so many metaphors, yet nothing is ever concrete, certain or set in stone. Where is it all going? Where will it lead? What’s behind it all?
It’s no surprise that these are the creators of "Alias."
When the end comes... what next?

24. Plastic (13 May 2006)

2006-05-13T07:54:00.000Z

How much is that?
£12.99
Do you accept plastic?
Yes.
There you are then...
What is this?
What does it look like?
It looks like a spatula.
It’s a plastic spatula.
We don’t accept spatulas.
This is an outrage!
I’m sorry, but those are the rules.
What about a spoon?

23. Extract from a Novel - 1. Trousers (12 May 2006)

2006-05-12T08:27:00.000Z

Getting dressed is such a chore. I wonder whether I should bother today, but then remember that my dressing gown cord is knackered, and the annoyance of having to continually tie it outweighs the quandary of deciding which trousers to wear. My shoe laces break. I do an online shop.

22. Post-Lull (10 April 2006)

2006-05-10T10:23:00.000Z

"Each and every day"?! More observant readers of my blog may have noticed a distinct lacking in this department of late. Specifically in the manner of the last eight days. Fear not, for I returneth! I have been in Croatia, with limited access to interwebbery. More Mystical Puppies on http://www.abctales.com/node/550880...

21. 'The Mystical Puppies of Rovinj - 2. Origins' (1 May 06)

2006-05-01T07:46:00.000Z

The Mystical Puppies of Rovinj were called Carlos, Hector and Slobadan. Carlos was from Spain, Hector was from England, while Slobadan heralded from Rovinj itself. One day Carlos said to Hector...
‘How are we The Mystical Puppies of Rovinj when only one of us is Croatian?’
Hector tutted and sighed.